December is the month that brings families together. Children are always eager for Christmas day, Santa and presents under the tree. Adults however may be preparing to dodge the same old arguments and trawling through the past.

In 1968, Stephen Karpman used a triangle to represent the area in which conflict and drama plays out in human interactions. This dynamic is used to great effect in soap opera’s, movies and theatre, but in real life can cause lasting hurt and irreconcilable damage to relationships.

Karpman called his conflict map the ‘Drama Triangle’. In each point of the triangle stands a person who believes they are or who act as:

1.   The Victim - feeling helpless, powerless, victimised and waiting for the rescuer to save the day. somethings they might say are

•  I’m unable to….

•  Life’s unfair

•  I don't stand a chance

•  Its alright for you but I can’t…

2.   The Rescuer - wants to help and feels guilty if they do not go to the rescue however rescuing has a negative effect, giving the victim permission to fail and remaining dependant on the rescuer. They might say

•  You aren’t ok so I need to help

•  Let me do this for you

•  Your unable to so l will do it for you

3.   The Persecutor - also known as the villain insists,

•  Its all your fault

•  You aren’t good enough

•  They blame, criticise, and can become an angry, controlling often rigid authority figure.

Initially a victim or persecutor will enlist the other characters into the conflict. The victim might then turn into the rescuer and the rescuer into the persecutor, ever changing and interweaving within the triangle the conflict and drama will unfold.

If you are ready to take the drama out of christmas this year. The first and most important point to be aware of is you can only ever change yourself. Just because you are ready to change does not mean that the others around you are ready. Be patient and kind to yourself and others. Give yourself time to see the drama triangle, the more aware you are off the triangle the easier it becomes for you to stay outside of it.

If you feel that you are being bullied or victimised take time to identify a positive outcome you would prefer. If you focus on the problem it is like digging a hole and the hole will get bigger. When you focus on what you want then you will start to become aware of the opportunities and supports around you that will help you achieve that outcome.

If you are a carer or parent you might identify yourself as the rescuer who with the best intensions only wants to help and keep safe the people you love. Instead of fixing things this christmas help build resilience and independence first by listening then ask

“What would you like to have happen?

 What could happen to improve the situation? and

 How can I support you to make that happen?”

If you are the persecutor and tired of being the villain you can decide to draw a line in the snow and today as you step over that line, make a new start, leave the past in the past and focus one day at a time to build a new future.